Building and Construction

Author

Tools

Matt Barrow

2007-06-23, 3:25 am

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly jerking flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeouw
s--t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
socket you've been searching for, over the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless,
unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids,
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit. Women often use it to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing
large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.

PeterD

2007-06-23, 9:25 am

On Fri, 22 Jun 2007 20:35:26 -0700, "Matt Barrow"
<mbarrow@performancehomes.com> wrote:

>
>SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

I started life at 5ft 11in. Now I'm about 5 ft 2 in. I wondered how
that happened. <GDR>

RicodJour

2007-06-23, 9:25 am

On Jun 23, 8:25 am, PeterD <pet...@hipson.net> wrote:
> On Fri, 22 Jun 2007 20:35:26 -0700, "Matt Barrow"
>
> <mbar...@performancehomes.com> wrote:
>
>
> I started life at 5ft 11in. Now I'm about 5 ft 2 in. I wondered how
> that happened. <GDR>

Head-ectomy? If you look in a mirror and don't see anything, that's
probably what happened! ;)

R

Matt Barrow

2007-06-24, 1:25 pm

"PeterD" <peter2@hipson.net> wrote in message
news:f74q735k15b7a3o68j6l8460hl5k3mkp1i@4ax.com...
> On Fri, 22 Jun 2007 20:35:26 -0700, "Matt Barrow"
> <mbarrow@performancehomes.com> wrote:
>
>
> I started life at 5ft 11in.

Your mother must have had an incredibly hard delivery!

> Now I'm about 5 ft 2 in. I wondered how
> that happened. <GDR>

Getting wet, then drying in the Sun?

:~)

Cathy Strong

2007-06-30, 9:25 am

PeterD wrote:
> On Fri, 22 Jun 2007 20:35:26 -0700, "Matt Barrow"
> <mbarrow@performancehomes.com> wrote:
>
>
>
>
> I started life at 5ft 11in. Now I'm about 5 ft 2 in. I wondered how
> that happened. <GDR>
>
Was is because of measure once, cut twice versus measure twice, cut once?

PeterD

2007-06-30, 9:25 am

On Sat, 30 Jun 2007 10:22:35 GMT, Cathy Strong
<strongcaz@earthlink.net> wrote:

>PeterD wrote:
>Was is because of measure once, cut twice versus measure twice, cut once?

Had a guy who worked for me once. Always measured once. I asked him
what he did if it was too short... as in:

"If that is too short, you going to turn it around and cut some off
the other end to make it longer?"

he answered 'yes'.

No, I don't know who he works for now...

***or***

Bob in the lumber shop suddenly yells out:

"Hey, I just cut off my finger"

His boss Mac rushes over, and asked Bob, "How'd you manage to do
that?"

"Like this" Bob replied, (zing) "... Damn, there goes another one!"

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